one of those days

ever since school started last week,
i sort of haven't had much time to post or say anything here.
or more so haven't had the motivation to record
what's been happening of late.
it's mentally draining to be honest.
i write my thoughts about a lot of things that seemed wise
at the moment only to strip it down a couple of minutes later,
filter words that aren't supposed to be shared online,
and then end up deleting the whole thing.
i rewrite yet again, or think about something new to share
until it feels just right.

do you ever have one of those days where

you just want to make everything perfect around you?

sometimes i feel very tired and wish i had leisure time to do
what my mind and body aches for
without reminding myself every now and then
those "to do list" stuck in my head.

anyway,
i should be sleeping at this time.

it's past 2am and i am stubbornly wide awake.
i haven't been sleeping enough. it's not new here that it has been a problem for me.
i would love to catch up and read all my favorite blog updates
but i really have to sign off right now.
i should be up as early as 5am today to do mommy duties.
i promise, i will find time to post tomorrow.
i like something pretty to look at too you know.
it's just that sometimes i can be very picky and it usually takes a lot of time
to decide what feels good to share.
that's me, very selective, choosy, picky, undecided, name it.

so goodnight! this is all for now.

family conflicts

despite being so often unsatisfied with my financial shortcomings, my thoughts and images are often colored with beautiful things about my girls, my love for arts, and memories of my youth. it is one thing i can rely on in my life. sometimes when i'm alone i think back as far as i can remember those vacations i spent at my grandparents house, summers in jordan, excursions with the whole castillo clan. these memories made me extremely happy as a child. all reunions are filled with excitement and lots of laughter, jokes here and there, singing and dancing, and our never ending traditional games and of course our traditional food.

But, life changed since then. and i miss all the happy memories our family shared for a long time, especially those who have passed away. our family is still together, or at least i'd like to think so. we have a huge family and there are challenges when extended families get together. other families have conflicts with their husbands or their wives and most often than not their issues affect other families too. i wish it didn't have to be that way, but it is what it is now. the only hope for this family to be able to move on from damaged relationships, is to really make an effort to appreciate what we have and acknowledge our mistakes. it's hard to forgive each other when nobody wants to admit their faults and quite frankly, i don't know if it's ever going to happen. maybe not today, maybe soon, or maybe not for a long long time, but i really hope it goes back to what it used to be.

it's for our next generation's sake. don't you agree?

here comes the rain again

it's been raining for three days and the temperature is exactly what i needed! just a week ago there was summer, and you could wear your summer dresses, shorts and even just your underwear inside your house because of this unbearable heat! And now the rain is giving us the cold wind, but i am also praying this weather will not kill anyone due to landslides or flood. It's common that May is like this, changing back and forth until the real rainy season arrives, or summer. you'll never know because this year's weather is crazy!

writing something on a windy weather makes me feel totally refreshed and peaceful. i have two saved drafts which i intend to post this week, however, i am having trouble with blogger right now so i switched to the old editor just to be able to post something. i don't know if it's just my site or blogger has technical issues again, or probably updating. so i am letting you guys know i am just waiting for blogger to fix this problem and will soon post recent events and nice photos.

have a wonderful, relaxing week with the nice weather, family, lovely friends, good laughs, and good food!

Tantrums

feeling a little bit off the last couple of weeks and it is obviously shown around here. i always blame it on the hormones. yes, female hormone is usually the culprit for this type of unexplained sudden mood switch. this is how we are wired from conception until we reach the age of 45 according to Louann Brizendine M.D author of this intriguing book The Female Brain. 

i am very familiar with this craziness and i know it will pass, but when i am in it, it's always a little harder than usual but i know I'll bounce back to my old giddy self soon. i'm just lucky i have a family who can always make me laugh especially my little one. and here i thought i had the worst sunget kid until i recently witnessed nicole's tantrums. as parents we all go through this and we eventually learn to handle it. this is the reason why with cheskas i am a little calmer. my eldest would often say i am spoiling her, and maybe unconsciously i have. i'm a hands on mom with my two eldest daughters when they were little, and look at them now, they are all grown up and soon they won't be needing me as much as they needed me when they were kids. soon they will have their own decisions to make. i won't be the "boss" in their lives anymore. the one who makes decisions for them like what clothes to wear, what movies to watch, what food to eat, the one who reminds them to do their chores before they can go out and hang out with friends. so dealing with my youngest daughter now i simply just want to enjoy her unique self - her ability to make me smile when she rolls her eyes while i try to explain and teach her something, her standard so-not-speaking-to-you attitude when she doesn't get what she wants because she can't boss me around and a few couple of tricks she learned to convince me to say YES (music to her ears). her little throw fits amuses me. adults throw tantrums too, and sometimes even worse. i have learned my lessons and i have so much control over my temper now. time is very fast. our little babies will magically grow up in our eyes and these funny, annoying temper tantrums will just be one of those memories we laugh and share over dinner one day.

so when your little brat throws a fit at you, never (ever!) be violent with them. breathe...
tantrums are a fact of life when you have kids. deal with it gracefully. i know i have.

First Grade 4th Honor .

Cheska was being stubborn and moody all because she didn't like her hair style.

i still find it adorably cute.

follow me

Today I started following Pinoy bloggers. I randomly picked two blogs, one of them is thedramaqueencantellstories. I started checking out other Filipino bloggers. I found some that are simple but most are very general related to things I found on the web. I wish I could write very well like them. I do not possess the ability to effortlessly write my to day to day experiences and ideas. Finding inspiration does help me get rid of the mentality of "I'm just not a writer".

Since I've gone public with my blog, I decided to make some changes. I am going to make an effort to be more open to the idea that my blog can be viewed by random citizens. With a warning, I have a tendency to be cranky and bitter and the person I usually talk to is ME :) I argue with myself, I mutter about my laziness and stupid mistakes, I smile, I laugh, I sigh- a lot, and roll my eyes☺. It seems life is never enough. But in spite of all these entries being sad and feeling lost or whatever, I still consider myself as the lucky one who can take emotions and turn it into an inspiration. There are situations far worse than mine, so why shouldn't I be waking up smiling everyday?

i have a reader

an anonymous reader sent me a message and wanted me to comment about angelo reyes. i am actually surprised that i even have a reader/s out there and a little embarrassed to be honest. this blog is a personal journal and created to inspire myself, my family, and people who can relate. this is not intended to impress anyone. i am not the know-it-all-type. i don't even write very well for crying out loud. i have become addicted to blogging because i have noticed that blogging can be an art. apparently, not all bloggers are geeks.

but, since it was requested, let me just say this, a person will only take his own life because he has a sick brain to begin with. he did it because he was ashamed of what he did, felt extreme guilt, lost his way, victimized, and most of all an embarrassment and burden to his family eventually. all these emotional feelings mixed up altogether made his brain release some sort of a "suicide hormone". he was too brave actually and did not fear death. it was a sad day for his family and that's all i can say. i do feel sorry he felt there was no way out. 

Lately

I've been posting a lot of quotes and photos inspiration from the net and haven't really blogged about my weekly activities or life in general except when there are occasions like birthdays and stuff. Nothing really much exciting to say. I am not fully so open here because there are a few people who knows about this blog and I may say things that are inappropriate or hurt their feelings because I think I have a tendency to offer unsolicited advice and suggest things that are not applicable to them. So mostly I would post outer inspirations that help me express what I really feel, what I was going through at the time. I don't know how I could have explained it better or eloquently without using these quotes because for obvious reasons I have grammar flaws

What I wish for myself is to be able to write about something genuinely good and happy. My current state is not so good so how do I share a little bit of what I wish for? hmm that's a problem. So instead, I linger on possibilities, wanting new things, simple things like new bedsheets, new rug, new bag, new dress, new jeans, skirt, a camera, new lipstick, a necklace, and all fancy things. Am i materialistic? I don't know, maybe I am or maybe I'm just a woman who enjoys these things. If i was rich I would probably wish for bigger things. I am always living in my head. Dreaming. 

 

I need this reminder. I need to tell me that my life is beautiful. 

If I want to change it, then what's stopping me?

be humble

sorry. i stand corrected so i had to delete previous post.

i just want peace in my heart that's all.

just because

i have absolutely no motivation to get out of bed, but i did because i had to. my youngest daughter was hot last night so i decided to bring her to a doctor because everyone in the house either got sick, or is sick, except me. 
 _ _ __ ___ ___ __  __ __  __ _  _ ____ __ _ __ _____ ____ ______ ____  __  _ _ _____ ____ __ ___

Just because your life stops, doesn't mean that the world stops with you. Only you and you alone can save yourself. i actually tell this to myself. but what happens when you're tired of feeling the same things all over again? people change. 
#@#x%*#!!! this mood needs to go away. 
but even though i am like this i am still the eternal optimist.

so crappy day please go away!

truth be told

my work does not require me to be in the office every day but on workdays I stay up all night. otherwise, I don't wake up early like typical moms do. I am not a morning person. I sleep very late. I go to bed at around 2-3am and I have been sleeping at this time for the past few years, and many times it was even later than that. that's why mornings are a struggle that even coffee can't cure. I know it's really bad and I have to shake myself out of this habit. I am not sure what it is. maybe because I want too much out of my life and I want to do so many things but the laziness creeps up on me when I am frustrated and mad about something. I think I lost myself somewhere along the road and haven't really found my way back.

on a positive note, I think of myself as a multi-tasker. when I start doing things - mommy things (e.g. laundry, sorting, cleaning the room, cooking, dishes, groceries) I do it all at the same time because I want to get things done right away so I could finally do what I really want to do (e.g. reading, watching movies, and blogging). I admit I can be really lazy that I annoy people in the house. I have my reasons and most of them are truly valid reasons why I can't do things as expected of me. but despite the lazy attitude, I get things done and fast. that's who I am. I am selective of what I do, what I want, and can really be stubborn only because things are not easy for me. people I deal with every day are not easy.  the day to day stuff can either go really bad or turn out really good.

i knoow, i know better. no excuses for laziness. however, some people tend to be so overly judgemental about everything because it's just who they are. some are not as open-minded as you expect them to be. they judge, rant, nag, gossip and forget that people they talk about are in need of help and understanding. they make a bigger fuss about most things. I am so not like them. I am calmer and quieter, but I also have had some enraged moments that I am not proud of. I am not perfect and no one is. unfortunate things just happen around me and I try as best as I can to be mature about certain things in my life that I have no control of. maybe for others, they are what they are because of what goes on with their lives and I respect that, that's why I don't talk shit about them and their stuff especially behind their back. I understand that people make bad choices, good choices, simple choices and they shouldn't be judged based on their actions alone. we all have our reasons.

there is always hope. and I believe in hope. holding on to HOPE make things all better. I am just really thankful despite all the drama that's going on in my life, our girls are doing their part to make life easy for our family. I suppose being who they are now is a result of good parenting. yeah, yeah, some people may roll their eyes while reading this, but I think I did a pretty good job raising my kids. 

p.s. oh but I do wake up early on weekdays to prepare cheska for school.  

from me to you

the awesome thing about having a blog is that you can do whatever you want with it even though your life isn't exactly as exciting as others. and by "others" i mean, these people who have great writing skills, a true journalist. i am not one of them. blogging for me is a creative outlet of my imagination, my scrapbook of things i find interesting. it doesn't have to consist of just people in my life, but it's how i make fun with it to keep me amused. some of the pictures and quotes i post are found treasures and not mine. they keep me inspired and it's a great way to appreciate what's "out there". i am a fan of photography and when i see a real nice work of art i post it. so, if someone says my blog is better than yours because i use and re-post pictures i found on tumblr or other sites, it annoys me a little, hence, this post...

this whole blogging thing is therapeutic. i have always kept a journal of some sort when i was little and i have always loved to collect things. like it or not, it doesn't really matter what you think but i hope this post will inspire you to have fun with your own blog and discover a little more about the blog world and how it can inspire you too rather than criticize. mind your life if you don't appreciate things you see here. go sleep.